Thursday, December 3, 2015

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" Christmas Carol Rant (Redux)

Disclaimer: This is a new version of an old rant; this one is written without as much inflammatory language so that the argument isn't attacked on the basis of language used.

If this song brings you joy, then maybe don't read this as it may make it so that you can never listen to the song without thinking of the arguments I'm about to bring up.








. . . you've been warned. 

This is a song about a truly perverse family.

As far as I can tell, there are two ways people usually take this song, both terrible:
  1. The child's father is dressed up as Santa.
  2. It's Santa. 
I suppose you could go a step further and suggest that it is a third party to make the whole thing even worse than it is, but I'm not going to go that far; we'll see that both of these two choices are pretty bad.

Let's examine both (1) and (2) in turn to see what we can find out. Note that the following lyrics from the song will be used as evidence:
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
Let's start with (1).

In this case, we're assuming that the child's father is dressed up as Santa Claus. But wait, if he's dressed up as Santa Claus, there are two subcases:
  1. It's for the benefit of the child to have a Christmas memory.
  2. It's to satisfy some sort of fetish he or his wife have.  
If it's (1) again, then why is he kissing his wife dressed as Santa knowing the child is watching? Is it some sort of test of loyalty? "Which do you love more kid: your father or presents?"

How could someone put their child through such mental anguish and years of therapy that such an event would surely cause?

The second subcase is, I suppose, the most benign option (I can't help thinking of the girl from "Bad Santa"), but seriously folks, figure out something to do with your kids when you're having possibly mentally scarring sex in the living room, yeah?

So in (1.1), we have a sociopathic father and in (1.2) we have bad parents.

Let's look at case (2):

Pretty clear cut again: the mom is cheating on the kid's dad with the real Santa.

Is this what determines who gets the best presents? Is the entirety of the Santa mythos centered around some pervert that trades toys for sex with moms? IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?!

Both parties are married with responsibilities and other obligations! Is Santa going to not give presents to thousands or even millions of kids because he's too busy dallying with this particular child's mother? How is that fair? I thought if anyone would be fair, it would be Santa!

But WAIT!
No matter which of the above cases is the real truth, the kid is a bleeding sociopath! He thinks it would have been absolutely hilarious if his father had seen the event! This child has been raised by such terrible parents that not only does he not have a problem with his mom cheating on his father, but he wants the father there to witness being made a cuckold so that he can laugh at him!

That's messed up no matter how you look at it.

If it wasn't for the kid's utter delight in his father being cuckolded and wanting to rub it in his father's face, I might be able to listen to this song without the above arguments running through my head, but it is there, making the song effectively irredeemable.

So what do you think?